Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Honestly... would you?

I was helping my cousin address his wedding invites when I saw Mr & Mrs Cobhams Asuquo, instantly I bombarded him with questions of how they met, if I could come along to deliver the card etc. Unfortunately, he didn’t let me but explained to me that Mrs Asuquo used to be a colleague; apparently she resigned a while ago, I’m not sure if it’s for private business or for another job but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her.

I wonder how much of a brave woman she must be, I imagined she must really love him to look past the disability and sign the lifelong contract. Asides from Ojuola (Cobham’s wife), there are a few other people known to have braved the odds. I have raised this issue among friends and while quite a few beat their chest to being able to go that lane, I’m still not sure I can.

It is not about being selfish or insensitive but honestly, it’s not as easy as it seems. If you’ve ever been a caregiver to a sick relative then you know a bit of what I’m talking about. Often times you end up ill from the stress of cleaning and caring for them.

For someone who likes to internalize issues and be realistic about things (I’m not against optimism oh!) I wonder if I can cope. There are those moments you want to act like a child around your partner, just milk a situation (e.g. pregnancy) and demand some extra TLC, there’s when you want to play hide and seek around the house, or on the beach, there are certain times you expect him to scoop you off the floor into his arms... wouldn’t these expectations be selfish if he was in a wheelchair?

How easy would it be to have to run home from work to make the meal and clean up, help with the kids’ school work all alone, everyday without the help of wifey who is physically challenged? Can you honestly say frustration wouldn’t set in at some point? Especially when there are those low moments at work?

I know there are 2 different scenarios here; first is when the condition is known from the get go. Secondly is if it occurs after the relationship had begun.

In the first case, you must have weighed the conditions well, separation/divorce is no option here; at least you were fully aware of the peculiarities before signing the dotted lines. In the African setting, family members may object to the union at first; if you eventually convince them, the burden becomes yours except off course your family understands.

Case 2 buttresses why everyone must marry someone they truly love. Sudden disability affects quite a number of things in the family – sex, career, finances, role-play and sometimes communication. I imagine that sudden disability in a partner will rock a relationship leaving the chance of its survival to the quality of its foundation. It would take sincere love and God’s matchless grace to avert a separation or even resentment.

I once read the story of a guy who attributed his success in life to his ex-girlfriend’s decision to leave him. They had been dating for about 5 years at the time but he never really showed any commitments to her, unfortunately he was involved in an accident that confined him to a wheelchair. He recounted that the lady was patient enough to nurse him out of the hospital and then left him thereafter stating she couldn’t deal with his lack of passion for anything.

Before you condemn her as heartless; imagine yourself in her shoes. Through the 5 years, she probably gave him all the signs that she was ready to be proposed to; I assume he kept promising without any concrete plan. She must have thought: if a guy is never serious with anything what are the chances he’ll not be completely helpless and slothful as a disable? In the end, she figured marrying him would be mortgaging her future hence she left and moved on. Thankfully, he learnt from the experience and has now made something of his life; but do these stories always turn out this way?

 I guess this is why everyone must ask themselves if they can live with ‘the one’ when the worse befalls him/her, we must be sure we understand the clause ‘through good and bad times, in sickness and in health’. Most likely, a partner who’s always pessimistic about every little cloud would swing into full scale depression when it rains and probably log out on life if there’s a flood.

The question therefore is; would you marry a guy/girl with disabilities? Are there perhaps some forms of disabilities you can deal with and others you can’t?

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

15 Minutes on the Toilet seat

Dear God,

I trust and believe in you. The scientists have said all sorts of rubbish about you but that’s their problem. It’s funny how they can never agree on something real; even when one of them got a ‘revelation’ to buttress YOUR existence, they still didn’t believe, well a lot of them are high on substances so *shrug*

I had fun in June but right now I’m kinda broke and that’s because the bosses have travelled again without handing over our pay check. The thing is, there was fathers’ day celebration and then you put my sisters’ birthdays 11days apart and so I spent a little more than I should have. Could you please touch their hearts and make them do the right thing? Thank you.

Heavenly father, I’m grateful for all you’ve done for me lately, the tears and disappointment of February has since given way to this new hope I have. I’m happier now, not because I have all I want but because you’ve shown me that you’re working on my case.

I’m happy because now I have really let go of the pains caused me by my ex and the Human Resources Manager.  I’m grateful for the lessons I learnt, who would have thought I would be helping the HRM with her school work? I knew I had forgiven her, I guess the forgetting part is now accomplished. I wish you could help me to reach out to her a little more, to teach her how to be kind to others, to make her understand that she doesn’t have to be mean, inconsiderate and miserable just because she’s single and 30+.

I need you now more than ever before, first to help unlock my heart because I know you have the Master key. After the last experience, I locked it up and put the key away, now I can’t find it because I’ve rearranged so much and the only thing I see is work, movies, food, health and books.

Secondly, I know I once said I was tired of chasing my dreams and that I wanted them to just tell me where they were heading so we could meet up there. Well, I apologise because that came out wrong, what I wanted to say was I am sure you’re with me on the journey and that I know I won’t miss the path once I keep following your lead. Please help me not to stray.

Lastly, I need to see some signs, ones that won’t be confusing, so I can know for sure if this new friendship is what I think it is. If it isn’t, please help me to pick the vital lessons and focus on to what is important. I’m asking because he’s fast becoming a Weapon of Mass Distraction and I do not want to lose sleep over a flash in the pan.

Thank you for the grace and favour, I have to get back to work now, I will talk to you later.


This was my posture while writing this post.