Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Shopping List

After my last relationship broke up, I decided I was no longer interested in ‘testing’ the market. My next relationship must be purposeful and worth the time. While the soul searching was on-going, I realised I didn’t have a full picture of what I was looking for. Don’t get me wrong, I knew quite well that for instance I needed someone with good looks who could deliver on TLC. I said to myself, he must be ‘God fearing’, treat women well blah blah blah.
I thought I knew everything I was looking for; however, I discovered with each day either by observing couples around me or with the guys I was meeting, that I really wanted a little more... make that a lot more!
Hence, I decided it was time to start treating this search for Mr. Right like shopping! I therefore made a list of MUST HAVEs and CANT STANDs.

Inasmuch as looks are important, I’m not overtly interested in drop dead gorgeous men; but the brother must be fine enough for me to want to be seen with him... don’t blame me, I just want to secure my children’s fate! His entire carriage must be endearing. He should be confident and well groomed. Good spoken English too... you can’t be throwing grenade at me or my friends!
When we’ve got the ‘front page’ sorted out, we’ll probably be hanging out more and then I’ll look out for the content which would include:
VERBAL INTIMACY – I have found out over time that communicating is important for me. He must be good at talking and listening. He has to like sharing his deepest emotional thoughts and desires. We can’t be having secrets and telling half truths; I want to have fun in my relationship and not be playing undercover cop. Besides, verbal intimacy is all that’s left when the body’s no longer hot and steamy sexy.
INTELLECTUAL/INDUSTRIOUS/ENERGY LEVEL – I like guys who are smart/bright and upwardly mobile; he has to be knowledgeable and be able to discuss important issues – the world doesn’t start and stop at Old Trafford or Emirates stadium. I am academic/career-oriented hence any man who thinks my pursuit of a PhD is a waste of time is a NO NO.
He also has to be industrious with an energy level that matches mine. For me nothing is too difficult to achieve, I therefore would find it difficult to cope with someone who’s sloppy, lazy or contented with simply ‘earning a living’.
FAMILY ORIENTED – if the reason we’re dating is for the possibility of spending our future together then alienating yourself from all semblance of family life would raise an alarm in my head. Simply put, he must be committed to marriage and family. IMHO, a guy who hates or treats his family badly would do same to you. I’ll expect that he treats his parents and siblings with respect and care.
SPIRITUALITY – I CANT date a guy who’s in a different religion or has different sets of spiritual commitments even within my religion. This is not about hating on any religion but I think life is a lot easier when you share similar beliefs. Before you begin to preach, my parents were from two extreme ends, one a devote Muslim, the other a mass serving catholic, so I know firsthand what I’m talking about, and I’ll rather just save myself all the hassles!
FINANCIAL INTEGRITY – in the long run, every girl looks to end up with someone who will be able to care for her material needs too. Before you scream independent woman, think about it; would you rather have him feeding off you... huh? I didn’t think so...

A man must be financially responsible. If he’s spending his entire salary on Arsenal kits/PS III console/throwing parties, you’d better watch out. If he’s too obsessed with making billions and thereby hinting blood money or fraud, you better put your shoes in your channel purse and slip out the back door!
VALUES/TRAITS – this may be an offshoot of spirituality but then it has a lot to do with upbringing too. You’ll score more points if you’re polite, patient and punctual. Add affectionate, sociable, a good sense of humour and emotional generosity to that list. While self confidence is a plus, I’d expect that he’s unassuming hence can accept criticism and admit it when he’s wrong.
EMOTIONAL HEALTH/ADDICTION – Do you know anyone who’s emotionally unhealthy? Ahh... you don’t want to meet any... trust me!
I once had a course mate who was also in my study group, for  some reason, everyone was always trying to avoid him, so I put on my Mother Theresa apron and tried being nice... big mistake!
To put it mildly, dude was an all time pessimist (was that mild? ... shrugs) he would worry unnecessarily about everything, from his grades to his girlfriend. He was also a chronic cynic and more often than not, he was depressed. Being friends with him was emotionally draining!
I’ve learnt my lesson so I try to stay away from people who are emotionally unhealthy. The tell-tale signs usually include workaholic syndrome, victim mentality, obsession, anger (especially those ones associated with yelling and object throwing). I think it’s wise to steer clear of people with addictions, be it alcohol, pornography, gambling, sex or drugs.

You can't change him, unless he's willing to.  BEWARE!!!

Over time, I have edited this list of mine and although I know that relationships are about compromises sometimes, these issues seem key to me. While they aren’t cast in stone, they remain my basic yardstick. I do believe that although I can teach a guy to prioritise his spending and be a lot more frugal, it’s up to him to want to learn and adjust. I definitely would not venture into trying to change a guy’s religious affiliations or doctrinal beliefs, hence, I’ll just ‘jump and pass’!
So there you have it people, let the missiles start flying!


Lara said...

lol @ you better put your shoes in your channel purse and slip out the back door.

Your list is so on point, i do not even need to add or delete from it.

Emotionally unhealthy people...big headache been their if not for emotional shock absorber that I had, me self for craze join.

kitkat said...

with me i dnt do the whole list ish lol..i jst know when i want someone and when i'm nt interested.its a thing of the mind. A guy cn have most of the good qualities but there is jst no chemistry between the two of u.

Prism of an immigrant said...

I'll assume you possess all these wonderful traits..... :-)

T.Notes said...

Whatever Lara's said,is correct by me ;-)Lol!

Uhmmm,picky picky picky,aren't we just a little! But yeah yeah,in as much as i'd everyly stick up for the menfolk,you do have some very candid points there,just as long as you're near "all that and a bag of tasty walkers chips yourself"!

Then again,you could just stick close to me and i'll point out where all the fine eligible men are hidden!

Myne Whitman said...

Why do you expect missiles? This is part of positive attraction, you get what you ask for. Just make sure you're working on yourself so this wonderful man will recognise you as worthy for him. We all deserve the best for us.

The Corner Shop said...

I cosign this list abeg!! We have to know what we want oh. On the other hand, our list has to be flexible so we don't miss out on surprises


Blessing said...

I'm so feeling ur list! May God grant you a man that will surpass ur list!!!

P.E.T. Projects said...

@Lara: Emotional baggage is just awful

@Kitkat: Actually its a mental list, i dnt carry a hardcopy around when im on a date

@Prism: Im continually evolving, investing in myself and gettin better by the day

@T Notes: Really? You'll do that for a sister? Would you be introducing me to men like T.Notes or men like S?

@Myne: Oh well, blogsville is known to have diverse views especially when issues like these are discussed.

@Adiya: Most def! Nothing is cast in stone!

@Blessing: Amen to that and you know im wishin you right back.

RemiRoy said...

Girl, I feel you. Nothing wrong in knowing what you want, who says you cant have it?
But will you still be game if say....the Industrious/energetic side of things is kinda lacking? I mean some dudes are not that...well but they're great guys...

P.E.T. Projects said...

RemiRoy, if he's not so 'energetic', that doesnt stop him from being passionate about something right?
I just do not like lethargic people. Hence, there must be sth that's compensating for the 'easy going' man

DIDI said...

I wanted to throw grenades @ you but had a change of mind coz Bruno mars is not close to you..:P
I think your list is Okay and on point but Kitkat`s comment just took this list thing to a whole new level.I am saying this because We are humans and when it comes to matters of the heart,the head don`t play too much role coz U might get someone who would not even meet 60% of your requirements and yet manage to sweep you off your feet...what would U do in such situation??

Omoregee said...

I'm with Myne n Adiya......n I think ur list is just on point n reasonable. All the best!

Anonymous said...

laughed @ to secure my children's fate..yeah! who no like good looking kids o jare!

Why were you expecting missiles? You did not out of the ordinary... we all want a compatible soul mate.. goodluck in your search & take care.

Daughter of Her King said...

I agree with most of the lists. although I wont almost refer to its as lists. I would say its a personal value requirements.

Its your personal values on how your ideal man should be and I am a living testimony that they are brothers out there, although they are scarce, they are real and very much existing.

I particularly like the spiritual bit, boi no compromise on that one ohh cos when you do, u will compromise on everything else. That is a MUST for me oh, must love God will all your heart and soul and beyond....
But no religios tactics.. having a faith is more my thing.

Family oriented, its a MUST... U took the words right out of my mind.
I agree with you and the personal values u stated... U are not asking for too much. It is just a personal thing. sha for me tall and brown/light skin top it up. God knows... all the same, I am grateful for who I have.

Daughter of Her King said...

Btw this is totally random, but in response to your blog name, "feel my pulse and tell me what its reads" erm its reading blood is pumping through your veins alright.... lol.

Its read a mixture of passion, ambitious, strong and straight to the point lady. lol.

Let me know if am wrong ;

Daughter of Her King said...

OK... two more things, shame that some of the good guys are gay :(...

Yeah, emotional unhealthy can be really (don't get me started, but I don't want to be down that route ever again). As in didn't know people can have emotional sickness. Until, I grew up lol not physically but mentally. I realized best start praying for healing in that department too cos prayer is the key and its powerful too.

P.E.T. Projects said...

@Didi - i understand the point u're making, but then, we love with our heart and think with our head, innit? Having a relationship is one thing, settling down into marriage is a big deal and this must be critically thought through! thanks for your comment.

@Omoregee & Ibhade - im glad it made sense to you.

@Daughter of her king... wow, very explicit analysis u've got here.

LOL @ ur pulse reading... you're right however, can I see ur medical certificate, just to be sure.

A-9ja-Great said...

Me dear,i went through your list and i actually don't see anything extra-ordinary.In essence,what you're asking for is basic as far as i'm concerned.You actually did your study very well,even your illustrations were almost perfect.In fact,every man should have those qualities you mentioned.My thoughts though.

Naijamum in L. said...

I co-sign your list with two additions

The first son who is the sole bread-winner/ guardian of numerous siblings.
Why? The siblings will always see you as a threat to the lifestyle they have enjoyed for so long

A guy from an family of achievers
Why? They will motivate each other to achieve more.

Anonymous said...

so concur with you 9jamum esp on the CAN'T HAVE!!..it takes perseverance.....hence gals dey shine their eyes well well o &..guys are looking for working class women with good pay, so as to help them..YOU SEE WAHALA?.. Llol..smh in mirth.

Daughterofherking said...

@ P.E.T lol am not a medicial practitioner ohh lol... u are looking at the next biggest/greatest/ awesome marketing consultant ohh since hmmm (i dont know)..... lol.. God grace is suffiecient ohh I can do it all through Christ who strengthens me hence the bigging up.....

Hope my analysis didnt do your head in lol..( I am so deep, i scare myself sometimes)...

doll said...

interesting list.